Survivors Road2healing

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Name	H J Sickles
Date	2008-08-02
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	husband 10/22/06
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	Dear Harriet, It has been nearly two years and I have been on a fast track- retraining to find a job, getting affairs in order and I think I am OK most days..... why do the feelings rush back just when you least expect them to? I still struggle with feelings of my own inadequatcy.... and I know that it stems from the suicide of my husband. He shot himself right in front of me, I still have a memory block of the exact image. I only know it happened, and what I did before it happened and the image of the back of his head on the floor. I know you feel my pain, how can I move forward.... have I not given things enough time?

Name	Jill Harris
Date	2008-08-02
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	fiance Chris Lesperance 10/14/06
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	The road to healing is a long one.

Name	Tracey Mills
Date	2008-07-31
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	Brother Joseph Simpson, 7-18-2008
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	I lost my brother Joey on July 18th of this year (2008). It was his third or fourth suicide attempt, and his last. This time he put a rifle in his mouth and pulled the trigger. He was 43 years old and living at home with my parents and had just survived cancer. He was in complete remission. Joey had bi-polar disorder and suffered from years of depression and alcoholism. Even so, he was a good man and had a kind, gentle heart. I never heard him say a bad word about anybody. He kept all his pain inside. My mother and father were taking care of him in his recovery from cancer and also kidney stones. He lost his job at UPS due to an ankle disorder that wouldn't allow him to stay on his feet for very long. Until the disorder, he was doing very well. Then it all went downhill. My mother called me right after she hung up with 911. I'll never forget her blood-curdling scream on the phone. At first, I thought I was being pranked. Then, when I realized it was her, after she screamed my name, I thought someone was trying to kill her. Then I heard, "Joe just killed himself!" and my whole body went cold then numb. It has been a nightmare, and I can't stop running that call and the hours after over and over again in my mind.

Name	Julie D. Globus
Date	2008-07-30
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	7/5/2008
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	Yes
Message	On July 2, 2008 my sister Vikki was still on life support though we knew that she would not survive. On July 3, 2008 we resigned ourselves to the realization that we would need to remove life support. At that moment, I became obsessed with donating her organs. On July 5, 2008, we removed life support, watched her drift away, no gasping, no pain, and her kidneys and I think her liver were donated. Now I am obsessed again with trying to settle her finances and make certain that her children are provided for. I am no closer to understanding why. I am no closer to forgiving myself for not calling her that day. I am no closer to wishing I could see into a looking glass to know if I even had the power to save her. Today I awoke with a sense of profound sadness. I watched as my husband watered our front yeard and noticed how beautiful the son was as it reflected from the trees and flowers and I wondered if she ever noticed this beauty. I felt sad that she would never see it again. I find myself wondering where she is now. There are moments when I feel her, I hear a little voice inside my head. I want to shake her and get answers. But I can't. My concentration comes and goes in spurts, I try to use it when I have it. The questions never leave my head, though. We had just become such good friends. On May 11th I spoke at her wedding and on July 7th I spoke at her funeral. What a sick twist. I thank R2H for this site and I thank each of you for your contribution, your writing, sharing.

Name	summer hill
Date	2008-07-30
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	yes. 02-20-02
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	I wrote my message, and then read all of yours. I don't feel so alone for the first time. I am so sorry for everyones loss. Is this really happening to so many people? I think I need some connections, because I have been dealing with this all by myself, with the exception of friends and family who have not experienced the pain of suicide. I do have a lot of anger, not for myself, but for my daughter, who I just 5 days ago told her of her biological dad and showed pictures without explaining the details. I dread the day I have to explain the truth of it all. I also have so much anger about the fact that Steve, did this to both of us. I often think of what I could have done differently, but know I did everything, from contacting his pastor, and family, to protecting myself. There was a lot of anger towards the end, he told me he didn't love me or God anymore. I was the last person to talk to him. I tried so hard to prevent this, I really did. I feel very sad a lot and always feel like anything bad can happen. I want to try to have a more possitive outlook, but I know bad things can happen. I have anxiety attacks often, and know I am very overly protective of my daughter. Again, I am so sorry for anyones pain, and I hope to find peace with all of this, for myself and everyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one.

Name	summer hill
Date	2008-07-30
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	survivor. 02/20/02
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	On February 20th,2002 my boyfriend commited suicide. I was seven months pregnant with our beautiful daughter. He was a strong christian his whole life, but got caught up in the wrong things. I still don't have the answeres. I don't ever expect to completely understand, but have so much anger at the family who thinks he is up in heaven on his golden surf board. I wish it was so easy. I want to know what really happens when you believe in God, but still choose to take your own life even though I have been taught that to take your own life does not lead to to heaven, but somewhere else. I'm confused, hurt, angry and have so much built up pain for my daughter and the confusion this might cause her. I don't want this to be the foundation of her life, to know her biological dad took his own life. Where does this leave us?

Name	Kathy
Date	2008-07-28
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	My Son July 18 ,2008
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	My son shot himself. I have not seen him for 2 years. We communicated by text messages and phone. I need to hug him and I can't. He is being cremated and shipped to me. The memorial did not help. The numbness is turning to painful guilt. God I miss him. Have so much to say to him. But it is too late. I must go get ready for work. It amazes me how life goes on. The world should stop but it doesn't.

Name	Chris
Date	2008-07-27
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	My wife, 27 May 2008
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	I came home from work to find my wife hanging. This has been the worst experience in my life. Initially I coped with the funeral and legal stuff, but now my life feels so empty and pointless. I lived for my wife and she for me. Every day I wake and suffer panic attacks as the realisation of her death overwhelms me again. I am so sorry for all the people that have suffered a loss.

Name	Betty
Date	2008-07-27
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	My son, Curtis 7-16-2008
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	Yes
Message	My son hung himself from our deck. I was the one to find him when I went out to go to work. It has been 11 days and the pain is unbearable. No one calls me anymore because they don't know what to say. I find it very difficult to walk out the door, once I'm out, I find that I can't come home. I lost my dad 6 weeks ago and my family doesn't seem to understand. Curtis left no note and I have no answers. He was only 21.

Name	Alyson
Date	2008-07-24
Location
Survivor? Loss and date	Sister. 6/8/07
Interested in our SR2H Survivors Newsletter?	yes
Message	I lost my sister, almost 14 months ago from suicide, I CANT BELIEVE HOW THIS IS...I feel like I am going backwards, I totally obsess abouther suicide, infact I spend more time these days trying to figure it all out, then I do thinking about her and all our wonderful memories..Really, Is this NORMAL? I miss her so much, so confused, still shocked....Neversaw it coming, why didnt she tell me? We were so close, she taught me everything I know, I am who I am because of her. I just dontsee how others say time heals...what does that mean? Everyday life is a struggle, getting up is the toughest, and although I do it, I get through the day, I feel like a robot most of the time, I really wish i could enjoy something atthis point, She has 3 beautiful children and we are very close, I love being with them, I feel like she is there too. No one understands, I feel ike people might as well say get over it, or its old news.....She was part of my everday life, practically raised me, MY LIFE IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I find a lot of comfort talking to others who have experienced this awful traumatic experience, i feel like we are our own species now,,,,,I will stay strong, for my daughter and her children, but itis hard.....I hope to make a big difference in someone elses life in honor of her, she was beautiful, smart and would light up a room with her smile, she would be the first one to help anybody out, and never judged people, WHAT HAPPEN. She was a strong person, she is missed so much..

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